Two of the most important and oft-debated* topics of our time are pizza styles and pizza toppings. Thus, today I have decided to present to my lovely readers my own musings on these topics, which of course are 100% correct and not debatable.
You might say, "But Clare, why should I trust you? What do you even know about pizza?" Well, here are my credentials:
1) I recently received mail addressed to "Pizza Enthusiast."
2) I was eating pizza in my engagement photos.
Note: For the sake of accountability, I should admit here that one time I ordered a pizza with just two toppings: pineapple and broccoli. Suffice it to say that I was heavily under the influence, wearing a polyester dress printed with a massive image of Guy Fieri’s face (this was before we knew he was a Trump supporter), and celebrating my impending nuptials with the women of my wedding party. In other words, I got drunk at my bachelorette party and made the unfortunate choice to order a broccoli and pineapple pizza. To be fair, I did also order a few other very excellent pizzas for the group. Thank you to my dear friend Carl for reminding me to include this important disclaimer for my readers.
*I googled “oft” to make sure I was using it correctly and got DEEPLY roasted by Google’s description of “oft” as an “archaic” term. Let me live as a 75-year-old with an extensive vocabulary, Google.
Pizza Styles
Everyone has a favorite pizza style and I’m not here to shame anyone’s pizza style choice unless it’s one of the awful ones. To begin, I’ll sort regional pizza varieties into three categories: acceptable, if you must, and absolutely not. This list is presented with little-to-no context.
Acceptable
New York pizza
Any pizza variety actually from Italy (e.g., Neapolitan, Sicilian, fritto, etc.)
Chicago deep dish - I will only eat deep dish in Chicago, but it is wonderful in Chicago.
Grandma pie
Detroit style
New Haven style
If you must
Tomato Pie (NJ) - personally I don’t like sauce on the top but you do you, New Jersey. I imagine it’s difficult neighboring the best pizza region in America so NJ gets a pass.
California-style pizza - the only reason this isn’t on the “absolutely not” list is because allegedly it was started at Chez Panisse before the infamous California Pizza Kitchen and it does use NY-style crust. Personally, I would call California-style pizza “flatbread” and not really include it on a pizza list.
St. Louis style pizza - this is basically a fancy name for a Totino’s party pizza, for which there is certainly a time and a place.
Absolutely not
Altoona pizza - it’s covered in kraft singles
Quad City Pizza - I have never had this but it’s from Iowa so it’s automatically in this category. I don’t make the rules.
Colorado-style pizza
Ohio Valley pizza - I learned about this abomination just now. Per Wikipedia, it is made “with cold toppings sprinkled over a square crust” and the toppings stay cold when served.
Basically any pizza from the west coast of the midwest (don’t @ me on this).
Pizza Toppings
Pineapple
Yes, pineapple should be placed on pizza. Culinarily, pineapple makes a lot of sense on pizza. Most pizzas are very salty, savory, and fatty. The sweetness and acidity of pineapple balances this perfectly. That said, I would like to provide some guidelines for proper execution of placing pineapple on pizza.
Pineapple and red sauce aren’t best friends. If you are opting for pineapple on your pizza, use a white sauce for best results. The acidity and sweetness of tomato sauce clashes a bit with the different acidity and sweetness of the pineapple.
This is the Hulapeno pizza from Pizza Luce. It was good, but the inclusion of red sauce prevented it from being the best it could be. Next time I order this one, I will sub white sauce instead of red sauce. Pineapple and pork are best friends. One of the most classic applications of this culinary combo is al pastor, in which pork is marinated with pineapple, resulting in wonderful tenderness and flavor. Pork tastes delicious with fruit and when you combine pork and pineapple you get a lovely mix of sweet, salty, fatty, and tangy flavors.
Add something spicy. Pineapple tastes beautiful with a little spice, so if I’m getting a pineapple pizza I want it to have jalapeno, calabrian chili, red pepper flakes, or another spicy element.
In my opinion, the best pineapple pizza in the Twin Cities is the Hello Hawaiian from Hello Pizza.
Hot honey drizzle
Hot honey is having a huge moment these days and it really pisses me off. When I see a menu where half the pizzas include a hot honey drizzle, I just want to slap the chef’s hand away from their honey squeeze bottle. Hot honey tastes fine - I actually do think some pizzas do benefit from a hint of sweetness. The problem with hot honey is the stickiness. Pizza is meant to be eaten with the hands, but when a pizza is covered in hot honey this causes a huge mess. The honey mixes with the oil and inevitably drips down your fingers, hands, and wrists. And if the pizza was cooked in a hot wood fire, the char dust on the bottom then sticks to the honey all over your hands and becomes very difficult to remove.
In my opinion, the downsides to hot honey outweigh any flavor benefits massively. If you are a pizza restaurant and you absolutely must drizzle with hot honey, you better provide about 600 moist towelettes to the consumer and/or feature a hand-washing station in the dining room.
The Cavolo Nero from Rosalia is an okay application of hot honey, mostly because there are sinks outside the bathrooms adjacent to the dining room.
Anchovies and/or olives
Yes, anchovies and olives should be placed on pizza. If you don’t like anchovies and olives, grow up and fix your palate. (Apologies to my handful of dear friends who don’t like olives but you already know I hold this opinion. I still love you.)
Potatoes and/or mac and cheese
Yes. Duh.
Broccoli
No. See my note above. Exception: it works on Pizza Luce’s baked potato pizza.
Seafood
Absolutely not, unless it’s anchovies or the raw tuna on the Isaac Becker at Sanjusan and Rosalia.
Fare by Clare’s Twin Cities Pizza Recommendations
Broder’s Cucina and Hello Pizza for NY style
Mesa Pizza for drunchies
Pizza Luce for delivery
Wrecktangle for Detroit-style with really fun toppings
Boludo for unique pizza shape and a side of empanadas
Pizzeria Lola for most creative and fun toppings on Neapolitan-style pizza
Punch for easy and quick Neapolitan-style
Rosalia, Sanjusan, and Black Sheep for fancier Neapolitan-style in Minnesota (and Pizza Marumo for the same in Tokyo)
Rick's Pizza at the Minnesota State Fair for NY style pickle pizza
My home kitchen for buffalo chicken pizza
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